


F1 Tinder Bios

by Anna_banana



Series: Tinder Bios [1]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Humor, Pierre and Charles are besties, Revenge, Romain is confused, Seb is a flirt, Sebastian doesn't understand, Too many nose jokes, everyone else is Done, kevin is a joker, tinder bios
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-03-20 07:32:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18988114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anna_banana/pseuds/Anna_banana
Summary: Kevin decides to write ridiculous tinder bios for all the other drivers. Because why not.





	1. Bios: Nico & Romain

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a bit of crack-y fun. Please don't take this seriously ;D

Nico is always nervous when he sees Kevin. The two don’t have the best history and whenever Kevin needs to speak to him the reason for it is rarely good. That’s why when Kevin walks towards him looking pleased with himself, Nico smiles back warily.

“I made you something,” Kevin says with a grin, before showing his phone to Nico.

Nico takes one glance at it before trying to make a grab that Kevin barely dodges.

“What the hell is this?”

“It’s a tinder bio,” Kevin replies with a grin.

“Yes I know what it is, but why the fuck have you made me one?”

At that the Dane replies with a shrug.

“Dunno, decided it would be funny.”

At that, Nico pulls an incredulous face and Kevin can’t help but laugh.

“See funny.”

Kevin is still snickering away and Nico just rolls his eyes at him.

“You’re lucky everyone will know that it’s just some joke account,” he mutters reluctantly, deciding it wouldn’t be worth the weird looks and photos if he tried to wrestle Kevin’s phone from him in the paddock.  
“Oh crap I need to text my girlfriend,” Nico realises with a start, fumbling to grab his own phone from his pocket so he can text out a warning just in case.

At that point Kevin decides to walk away, just in case Nico decides he really does need to delete that account. Kevin fancies his chances to beat Nico on the track, but in a fight, not so much.

_I drive hard and fast. Fuck hard and slow._  
_Swipe right for Germany’s biggest bratwurst._  
_German racing driver_  
_1.84m of muscle. 1000% natural blond._  
_Welcome to the (wheel)gun show._

__

 

...

Kevin’s next victim is his teammate Romain, who is luckily much easier to find than Nico, as they are always given rooms fairly close by to each other. After the account is made he fires off a quick text to get the other man to meet him at his room. While they don’t exactly hang out all the time it’s not too suspicious so luckily he gets an agreement text shortly after and then before long there’s a knock at his door.

“Hey Kevin what’s up?” Romain asks, as the Dane lets him into the room.

“Not much,” he replies as casually as possible. “I just wanted to show you something.”

He hands his phone over to Romain and tries his best not to laugh at the confused look on the older man’s face as he reads through the bio.

“Sorry, I would have used a better photo but all you have is dad selfies,” Kevin continues sincerely. He looked through Romain’s social media profiles for ages and really struggled to find a decent photo for the site.

“But why did you even make this?” Romain asks baffled. “You do remember the multiple times you met my wife right?”

  
Kevin does laugh a little bit at that.

“Don’t worry mate it’s not serious, everyone will think it’s a fake account, loads of celebs have them.”

At that assurance, Romain does seem slightly more relaxed, if still pretty confused.

“Then why did you decide to make it?” he asks.

“So that the accounts are good of course.”

Realising that he’s not going to figure it out any time soon, Romain decides to take his leave and head back to his own room. Not before wondering if Marion would help him learn how to take better photos of himself of course.

 _I take dad selfies because I’m the right daddy for you._  
_While I might crash in my car, my aim is always spot on in the bedroom._  
_I speak French because it’s the sexiest language. Fancy taking a bite of my baguette?_


	2. George & Robert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin decides to do the bio for a young driver next. Then George agrees to help him with the next victim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently if something is ridiculous it makes me write fast.

Kevin decided that the next drivers he should make an account for would be ones who would actually appreciate the humour in it and for that he decided his best bet would be the youngsters. With that in mind he begins to select pictures and set them up. It takes a bit longer however as he doesn’t know any of the rookie drivers quite as well as the ones with a few years in F1.

Finally he’s able to make his way to the William’s garage. He passes Kubica with a quick nod of the head in greeting, mind already racing with hilarious ideas for the other man’s bio, as he heads towards George’s driver room. Kevin knocks on the door and waits for a few moments before George opens it. If anything it’s already worth it for the startled look on the youngsters face as Kevin makes his way into the room without being invited.

“Hey Kevin, um what exactly are you doing here?” George asks, fairly politely considering the other man has just entered his private space.

Feeling a bit bad considering they’ve never even really spoken before Kevin decides just to thrust the phone in George’s face.

“Just wanted to show you this,” he says as George starts scrolling through.

_Pros: Is tall. Walks like a model. Drives fast. Young and British. Exercises while shirtless._   
_Cons: only interested if you’re the attractive sister of one of my friends._

__

Kevin is relieved when George instantly starts cracking up, almost crying of laughter by the time he reads the cons. Groaning dramatically when he sees some of the pictures that have been chosen.

“Why on Earth did you make this?” George asks.

He’s still laughing however and Kevin is pleased to have finally gotten the reaction he was looking for. Chuckling with the Brit he begins to explain how he’s started making them for all the drivers. When George asks him however if he’s made one for Robert yet, Kevin decides to let the younger driver give a helping hand.

…

Before long, Kevin and George find themselves walking to Kubica’s driver room. When they knock on the door, George quickly tries to hide behind Kevin, albeit rather unsuccessfully due to his height. When Robert answers the door, Kevin simply hands him George’s phone before chickening out and shoving the youngster in front of him. The bio seemed hilarious when they were making it but now Kevin is beginning to doubt George’s reassurances of Kubica’s sense of humour.

Watching the two drivers desperately shoving each other to the front of his door, Robert raises an eyebrow at the antics before finally looking at the phone in front of him.

_Big nose equals big…._   
_My hairline might be receding but my sex drive isn’t._   
_Looking for a lady who is also in her ‘dirty thirties’._

__

There’s an uncomfortable moment of silence where George and Kevin have to wait, tense while Robert is reading. Although he doesn’t laugh, the older man smirks slightly before closing the door to his driver room, taking the mobile with him.

“Crap Kevin that’s my phone!” George exclaims. “Robert sends all sorts of texts when he manages to steal phones and everyone will think it was me.”

Despite not getting much of a reaction from Kubica, at least the other man wasn’t angry so overall it was a successful result. Plus, with George now explaining to him how much of a prankster Kubica can be when he gets to know you, Kevin can’t wait to see all of the stupid texts the other driver’s get from ‘George’. He could explain to them that Robert has the youngsters phone of course, but where would be the fun in that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anything Kevin (or technically I) write is all in good fun and isn't meant to offend the drivers (or anyone else) :)   
> Hope you are enjoying!


	3. Lando & Carlos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin goes to the McLaren garage next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for the comments! Driver order is now based on the most popular drivers commented and the order it’s done in :)

After a discussion with George and having just dealt with the absolute wildcard that was Robert Kubica, Kevin decides to go for some safe bets for his next targets. After a few years in F1, Kevin is pretty sure he knows Carlos well enough that he thinks the other man will appreciate it and George assures him that Lando will find it funny. Plus he found it much easier finding two drivers in the same motorhome rather than searching around the paddock all weekend.

When he gets to the McLaren motorhome however Kevin is told by some assistant that both of the driver’s are busy in a meeting right now, which is typical. Knowing that this detour was already going to make him late for his own team meeting, Kevin asks when both of the driver’s will be free the next day and even charms the assistant into scheduling one of the meeting rooms for the three of them. With that resolved, Kevin feels rather pleased with himself and is looking forward to coming back the next day.

…

As Kevin looks into the meeting room he notices that the McLaren drivers are already there. They are talking amongst themselves quietly, most likely trying to figure out what meeting they had forgotten about. The shock value when Kevin actually walks into the room is almost as good as most of the reactions he’s had to the bios themselves.

He’s glad he managed to nab some McLaren business phones- helped by yet another charmed assistant, as all he needs to do is slide the phones over to Lando and Carlos. Kevin is glad he managed to convince the team members to let him borrow the phones as it’s always preferable when he isn’t concerned about his own mobile being smashed.

Luckily both drivers let out a little bit of a chuckle at the bios however with both being shown at once, they each seem more interested in trying to catch a peek at the others’ photo and description. As the pair begin to grapple with each other and the devices, Kevin begins to grow concerned that he’ll have to deal with someone else’s broken phone bill, so decides to interrupt.

“If you don’t swap over I can just tell the other,” he pauses, “and I can also make them sound even worse than they already are.”

The two glanced at each other and with a reluctant sigh they decide to swap phones. First to catch a look, and even read out loud is Lando.

_The hottest chilli there is._   
_Likes walking his dog and styling his hair._   
_Type: equally hot Spanish dilfs._   
_Sexual interests as spicy as he is…_

__

Lando covers his mouth to try and hide his chuckling and even Carlos’ tan complexion can’t prevent his pink blush from showing.

“Don’t you dare tell Nando,” he says sharply, which finally causes Lando and Kevin to glance at each other briefly before erupting into full on laughter.

Carlos looks between the two men, glaring at them both, while they just continue to laugh. When it slowly begins to die down, Carlos simply starts reading.

_It’s not about your size, it’s about what you do with it. - Inexperience doesn’t matter for a natural._   
_I get girls by making them laugh (notice that I’m on this site anyway)._

__

Rather than laughing, Carlos simply ‘awww’s,’ sadly, but by the outraged look on Lando’s face, that’s actually a far worse reaction. Lando punches Carlos on the arm lightly, but the Spaniard simply continues to pout at him with a sad look on his face. Fed up, Lando gets his own mobile out and scrolls through his contacts before pointing at Nando’s contact threateningly.

Kevin looks on exasperatedly as the pair begin to play fight again. He wants to act annoyed at the way they’ve barely reacted to or spoke to him, but actually can’t help but smile fondly at the interaction between the pair. When he goes to leave the room, Lando shouts a quick “thanks man,” to him, that actually puts a smile on his face.

“Give those phones back to your team,” is all he says as he heads through the door.

When he explains the phone and team mate situation to a member of McLaren they sound exasperated but used to the driver’s antics as they wave Kevin off without any mobiles in hand.

Despite having not been the most hilarious reaction, Kevin thinks to himself as he hears Lando’s laughter still echoing through the motorhome, it just might actually be his favourite so far anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this one. I’m on holiday rn so updates may be a bit slower but should still be pretty frequent :D


	4. Max & Daniel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Dan and Max's turn now.

Having enjoyed interacting with the last close pair of drivers so much, Kevin decides that his next bios should be for Max and Daniel and that he will make sure to show them together. He’s not exactly sure how yet, as while the two drivers are still fond of each other, they seem to have very little actual time to spend together. Kevin knows an opportunity will come up eventually however and luckily, before long it does.

Some important person from Liberty is having a party and it seems to be compulsory for almost all of the drivers to go and damn he really needs to learn how Kimi gets away from doing these things. Haas have drilled the details into his head a million times already, but to be perfectly honest Kevin has no idea who, or what, this gathering is for exactly. Fortunately it’s a pretty casual party compared to normal so the drivers are able to mostly just hang around amongst each other and their team members rather than being required to mingle.

Having kept an eye on Daniel and Max, who at the start of the night stuck to their teammates, he sees that they are finally sitting together and talking. He gives them some time to talk on their own and just as they look like they’re about to move on, Kevin walks over to them.

“Hey guys, mind if I borrow you for a while?”

The pair look rather confused and there’s perhaps a bit of wariness on Max’s face. Daniel however is always affable and agrees quickly. Dan sits down and gestures to Max to do the same. After only a moment of reluctance the younger man follows and Kevin sits beside them.

Having ‘borrowed’ Romain’s phone and being able to put in his very predictable password, he has two phones available, one to hand to each driver. When Max first looks down he frowns slightly, almost as though he’s unsure if he’s part of the joke or if he’s the joke itself. The Dutchman looks over at Dan however and when he sees the Aussie chuckling at his own profile, he also lets a bright grin transform his face.

_Big smile, big nose, you get the drift._   
_Joker on the streets, expert in the sheets._   
_Racing driver from AUS- home of sun, sex and sand._   
_Ties to tie me up in, curly hair to tug on._

__

_I was now years old when I met the person of my dreams on tinder._   
_Part time model- racer- gamer._   
_Loving foot(ball) means I know how to handle them._

__

  
Almost identical to the last time, the pair barely notice Kevin, too busy looking between the two mobiles, talking to each other and laughing away. Kevin almost wishes he nabbed another phone as that would have allowed him to scroll through his own. But as long as they don’t take too long Kevin is pretty happy to sip his drink and watch the pair interact. Finally the chuckle’s calm down and Kevin is able to grab the phone’s out of Max and Daniel’s hands.

“I can’t wait to see what gets written on your bio mate,” Daniel says with a grin, causing Max and Kevin to laugh.

While Kevin is sure that someone will do one for him, as long as he gets through all the other drivers first he doesn’t mind.

“Neither can I,” Kevin replies with a cheeky grin before walking off.

As he walks away, scanning the room for Romain to give his phone back, he can’t help but give one last glance towards Daniel and Max. Rather than separating as they were about to do when Kevin walked over, the pair are chatting happily once more and Kevin feels his job at this party is more than done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I only have love for Daniel's nose and my joking is always in good nature :)  
> Thank you for all the comments, they always make me motivated to update as quickly as possible!


	5. Charles & Seb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin tries to cheer Sebastian up after the race, Charles is there too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I absolutely will include a joke about that radio message where Sebastian basically makes a joke about his dick.

The next bios Kevin had written were for Seb and Charles’. For a while he debates whether sharing them just now would actually be a good idea given the unfortunate circumstances of Seb’s loss, but well he also had a shitty race and making them certainly cheered him up. So, fuck it, as a wise man once said. Or more likely it wasn’t a wise man but Kevin’s a racing driver and used to living on the edge.

It takes a while but Kevin eventually finds the two Ferrari drivers at one of the more secluded spots in the paddock, where people generally go to be left alone. In a rare showing of sensibleness, Kevin decides he’ll approach this one more carefully and actually ask before just barging right in.

“Do you guys want to see your tinder bios?” Kevin decides to ask, shaking the phone in his hand, causing the two drivers to turn towards him.

Charles grins in response, having heard about all of this from some of the other driver’s and being pretty sure it might just be the thing to cheer Sebastian up.

“What’s that?” The German driver simply asks, brows furrowed, causing the younger pair to chuckle in response.

Kevin stays quiet and decides to let Charles explain it seeing as the Monegasque knows Seb better and will hopefully be able to explain it in a way that will make the other Ferrari driver willing to have a look.

“You know how you called Lewis handsome? Well it’s a site where you can find lots of attractive girls or guys to date,” Charles grins cheekily, causing Sebastian to splutter out.

“You know that’s not what I meant to say!”

Kevin and Charles simply glance at each other in response.

It takes a few minutes, a lot of wild gesturing and several questions from Sebastian but finally Charles is able to explain exactly what the joke bios are about and all to a guy who doesn’t even have social media.

“Give it here then,” Sebastian finally says with a sigh, but there’s the beginnings of a smile on his face which makes Kevin a bit more confident that this will in fact cheer the German up.

“It’s Charles’ first,” he says, but passes the phone to Seb anyway.

_I swear I’m legal. - My German and Finnish dad’s might babysit us on dates anyway._   
_Racer and model cos “I am so stupid” when it comes to anything else._   
_Good luck fighting off my best friend Pierre to get a date with me (but we’re only friends honest)._

__

“You’re grounded young man,” is all Sebastian says before he bursts into hysterical laughter.

“Pierre doesn’t think of me like that- I mean,” Charles begins to protest before backtracking, resulting in now both of the other driver’s laughing out loud.

After having such an upsetting day, now they are laughing the two blondes' can’t stop and the pair seem to be in hysterics.

“Let’s just look at Sebastian’s now,” Charles grumbles, but he looks fairly pleased that his teammate has finally cheered up a bit.

_It’s not often you find a man who’s spoken about his dick live on TV._   
_Blue eyed Finn, tattoo covered Brit, as long as you’re hot I don’t have a type._   
_Loves: the countryside, backgammon, driving fast_   
_Hates: learning more than one phrase in Italian, social media (sorry tinder)_

__

“You’ve got a thing about me and Kimi, man,” Seb says, but he claps Kevin on the shoulder, good-humouredly.

Charles is also glad to see someone else commenting on the Lewis thing and the three keep swapping banter about Pierre and Charles versus Seb and various other driver’s, even Valtteri being included in the Finnish contingent. After a while, Kevin decides he should probably head, mostly before the jokes start being geared towards him.

After saying goodbye to the Ferrari driver’s, Kevin walks away glad to see the teammates happy and by this point he is even close to forgetting the misery of his own weekend.

 


	6. Kimi & Valtteri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin makes two more bios. The first is Valtteri's, the second is the one he has been by far the most afraid of- Kimi's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: let's save Kimi for near the end of the fic.  
> Also me: has literally no impulse control as soon as he's prompted.

One of the next driver’s is one that Kevin has been putting off. He realises that he can no longer put him off however, for fear that he’ll end up chickening out of writing him a bio and showing it to him. Therefore, the next driver on his list is Kimi Räikkönen. At first he thought he would do Kimi together with his team-mate, but he doesn’t know Gio very well and still needs to do more information gathering about him. Instead he decides to do Valtteri’s bio along with Kimi’s. After all, he could do it alone but he’s pretty sure that the younger Finn would stop Kimi from killing him, well that’s the hope anyway.

Rumour around the paddock is that Kimi has been a lot more talkative than normal lately, something to do with some Finnish hockey player or something. With that in mind it thankfully makes it easier to find Kimi and Valtteri together than normal, for him to put his plan into action.

As Kevin walks over to the driver’s he clears his throat in warning. Before he can even say anything however, Kimi interrupts him.

“No,” he says simply, before continuing his conversation in Finnish with Valtteri.

The other Finn smiles at him apologetically but not wanting to get involved, just carries on talking.

“But I haven’t even said anything yet,” Kevin argues, hoping he’s not pushing his luck. He figures he can’t have pushed it too badly as Kimi does actually respond. Unfortunately however the man replies in Finnish so other than a few swear words and the word ‘tinder,’ Kevin doesn’t actually catch any of it.

Luckily for Kevin, he’s made a good choice in deciding to speak to Kimi while Valtteri is there. The younger Finn gives him a quick smirk before looking imploringly at Kimi.

“I wouldn’t mind seeing them,” Valtteri says, switching to English and practically beaming when Kevin gives him a grateful look.

Kimi sighs loudly before he glares halfheartedly at Valtteri who just gives him an innocent look. Without saying anything else he snatches Kevin’s phone right out his hand. The Dane is so shocked he doesn’t snap at him for it. He’s even more shocked however when Kimi puts his password in and starts scrolling through the device, the Finn having absolutely no good reason for knowing how to get into his phone. As he flicks through, Valtteri is peering over his shoulder and the pair read both of the profiles.

_Valtteri Booty-Ass._   
_Never Finnish’s the deed too quickly._   
_Nice guys DO get the girl._   
_Just because I’ve taken mirror selfies doesn’t mean I’m a bad guy._

__

“This one’s weirdly obsessed with looks and sexual prowess even for you,” Kimi says nonchalantly, causing Valtteri and Kevin to gape. Before either can respond, he goes back to just ignoring their presence and looks at the next profile.

Y _ou’ll want me to gimmie gimmie you some Kimi._  
 _Ideal date: driving fast, eating ice-cream, chatting in monosyllables, glaring into your eyes._  
 _Trust me, I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING._

__

“There’s far too many words,” is Kimi’s comment, before he handed the phone back to Kevin, both profiles having miraculously been removed from his phone, back-up’s included.

After that, Kimi simply walks away, closing the door behind him. Despite him barely having commented, Kevin knows for certain that Kimi is going to have a big part in the driver’s revenge. He really isn’t looking forward to that part of making these bios now.

Suddenly a throat clears and Kevin jolts, having completely forgotten that Valtteri was still in the room. Remembering Kimi’s comment after reading Valtteri’s bio, Kevin does something that he’s never had to do before. He simply smiles awkwardly before fleeing from the room, leaving a startled Finn behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when Valtteri used to post photo's like that? Good times.
> 
> That's all of the driver's been suggested now! I'll try and get the remaining chapters up as quickly as I can :)


	7. Checo & Lance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin finally gets a hold of the Racing Point teammates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, one needs to remember that I love all the drivers and all the jokes are meant in good fun ;)  
> Also as always paddock realism is completely stretched out to nothing.

Having spent what honestly felt like years searching for Valtteri and Kimi around the paddock, Kevin decides to go back to the tried and tested method of going to team motorhomes. This time he decides to get two more drivers out the way again and figures he’ll deal with the Pink Racing Force Pandas or you know, whatever it is they’re calling themselves now days. As they aren’t the easiest pair of teammates to find together Kevin figures he’ll just show them individually. He appears to be in luck however as apparently they both have some sim data to go over today. The team appears to be wrapping up when he arrives so Kevin decides to just wait around for a few minutes. When the mechanics start clearing out of the room Kevin decides to step in.

“Hey Checo, Lance, you got a few minutes?”

“Sure,” Lance says and Checo gives a sharp nod, probably wanting this over with so he can just go home already.

Apparently Lawrence doesn’t let Lance have his phone in meetings in case he doesn’t pay attention, so once again Kevin has been able to procure an extra phone to put a bio on. For a moment when handed his own phone, Lance looks a bit confused but then he seems to remember the only reason Kevin would be in the Racing Point motorhome and grins excitedly grabbing the phone. Checo simply grabs Kevin’s phone with an eye roll however he does start looking at the picture and reading from the screen pretty quickly. Unlike most of the other pairs, Lance and Checo don’t seem to be too interested in the other’s bio and simply just read their own quietly.

_Checo-out my good looks. Master of staring broodily into the distance._   
_I’ll get the best sponsors for our relationship._   
_Daddy of soon to be two, I’ll be a daddy to you._   
_Add some Mexican spice to your life._

__

_My name is Lance but I’ll spear you if you like._   
_Rich bitches make their partners rich QUEENS._   
_Canadians use nice talk in bed._   
_I’ll buy you a seat... on my lap._

__

Overall the pair seem pretty amused, sharing some jokes about their own ones and getting Kevin to share what he had done for the different drivers and even their reactions to it. Despite the pair not having had the most interesting reactions, Kevin is still pretty pleased. Most of the drivers seem to have been talking about these things between themselves and to be honest no one has really shared much with Kevin, outside the immediate reactions. Eventually the conversation begins to draw to a close, Checo seemingly remembering that he’s done for the day and able to head home.

The absolute tell that it’s time to go, is when Checo starts talking about car performance as they head from the room, trying and failing to ask innocently about the Haas. Realising what is going on Kevin just grabs his phone from Checo’s hand and shuts up, deciding to start walking the opposite way from the teammates.

As Kevin walks away he hears the laughter of Checo and Lance ringing behind him. He decides he best not laugh back. After all, apparently Gunther has ears everywhere and he can’t afford for the team principal to start aiming his ire at him rather than Romain. Thank god he hadn’t said anything incriminating, he thinks anyway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Lawrence thing is totally made up but it just seems like the kind of thing that could happen with dad/boss lines being blurred. ;D   
> Gunther just seems to hate Romain and Kevin doesn't want that to end up being him as well.


	8. Pierre & Lewis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pierre and Lewis’ bios.

Kevin hadn’t actually done much planning for the next bios but when he realised Lewis was due for another one of his trips to America he figured he’d better do his one soon. Turns out however that between training, press, his fashion stuff and so on, Lewis is an unbelievably difficult guy to catch up with. After being brushed off several times by the busy Brit, Kevin has to resort to a desperate tactic, cornering him outside the bathroom.

 

When Lewis sees Kevin standing waiting on him as he walks out of the toilets, the Brit jumps up in surprise before having to compose himself.

 

“Hey Kevin, what’s up?” He asks, friendly despite being clearly confused.

 

Not having spoken to the other driver all that much before, Kevin finds himself unsure what to actually say, or how to explain what he’s been doing.

 

“Here, just wanted to show you this,” he says finally, thrusting his phone at Lewis, who takes it from him and starts to read.

 

_Looking for my soulmate. Plant based diet only. Must love the church, the Earth and all the creatures on it._

_I want to be with the second half of the whole and have them travel the world with me. Peace and Love._

 

“Huh that’s funny, thanks man. Might need to share that with my followers.

Apparently that’s all Lewis has to say on the matter, clasping Kevin’s shoulder before walking away, already tapping on his own phone.

 

Lewis now having his back to Kevin, the Dane simply rolls his eyes at him before walking off to find Pierre.

 

Luckily the Frenchman is much easier to find as Max had told him where Pierre was via text. When Pierre sees him, he actually looks pretty excited which makes a change from some of the initial reactions.

 

“Hey Kevin, you have my bio?” He asks chirpily.

 

While it’s kind of nice to have drivers looking forward to it, a part of Kevin wishes he managed to do them all quicker. After all, the surprise element is kind of ruined now.

 

“Yes I do,” he says simply before handing his phone to Pierre.

 

The Frenchman grabs the phone out of his hand before grinning sheepishly in apology. He laughs to himself and is muttering in French while he reads.

 

_A sexy guy with a sexy language._

_I never run out of gas…_

_Swipe left if you look like a baguette_

_Swipe right if a cute Monegasque._

_People with teeth gaps are better in bed._

“You better not have shown Charles this!” Pierre blurts, face bright red.

 

Kevin hasn’t but he thinks perhaps he should send it to Charles, and of course Charles’ one to Pierre.

 

“Guess you’ll just need to wait and see,” he says ominously.

 

Using Pierre’s shocked moment. Kevin takes the opportunity to snatch his phone out of the Frenchman’s hand and hurry out of the room. As he goes he tries his best not to laugh at Pierre’s outward panic.

 

As he leaves the room he overhears Pierre connecting onto the phone, trying to casually speak to Charles and figure out if the bio has been shared with him. It’s a big failure on the casual part however and Kevin can’t help but be thankful he’s never sounded that desperate, well he truly hopes so anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for still reading!


	9. Alex & Daniil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toro Rosso bios!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter after this one! Thank you for making it this far :)

With both of the Toro Rosso drivers still to get their bios, it’s fortunate that for once they are sharing the same hotel with Haas. Having got their room numbers from Helmut Marko under the guise of having revenge from a prank- and who knew he liked pranks anyway, Kevin is able to sneak onto their floor and get to their rooms without notice.

First is Daniil’s room, a few doors before Alex’s, so Kevin knocks and waits for a few minutes outside before the door is yanked open.

“Kevin, long time no see,” he says, managing to sound completely unfazed despite the clear surprise of having Kevin knock on his door.

It actually makes the Dane feel reasonably awkward, they weren’t super close when Daniil was in F1 before but they did get on reasonably well and since then they haven’t really spoke.

“Hey man, erm,” he starts and pauses to clear his throat, not used to mumbling awkwardly like that.

“Mind knocking on Alex’s door with me? I have something cool to show you both.”

Daniil looks at him suspiciously before giving a sharp nod.

“Fine, who let you on this floor anyway?” He asks as he grabs his keycard and closes the door.

“Helmut,” Kevin answers, no explanation needed as the Russian sighs in exasperation.

Daniil knocks on the door and Alex answers quickly, leaving the door mostly closed, luggage clearly been thrown all over the room. He smiles sheepishly before having some weird silent stare communication with Daniil- ‘which huh, weird teammate flex but okay.’

Before Kevin can say something to break what for him is a rather awkward moment, Alex starts talking.

‘Oh okay you must be here about the tinder thing, come in then.”

Kevin tries not to be too freaked out at their weird telepathy as he walks into the room, like they haven’t even been teammates that long but whatever. As he actually steps into the room he’s more focused on avoiding staring at or standing on the ridiculous number of boxers Alex seems to have thrown all over the room.

“Let’s get to it then,” Alex says cheerfully, sticking his hand out, which okay would normally annoy Kevin but right now he’s just looking to get out of this room. He hands his phone over so Alex can read first, then Daniil.

_Alex Adorable Albon_  
_Half British with twice the charm._  
_Better than a Thai massage._

_Racing and sex torpedo._  
_I’ve been Russian to meet you._  
_Red bull gives you horns not wings._

“There’s not much better than a Thai massage,” is all Daniil comments on Alex’s which ‘okay…’ before Alex reads Daniil’s.

“I’ve always liked the nickname torpedo.”

Now Kevin loves a joke himself and he’s almost totally sure that’s what this is but Daniil has a totally blank look on his face and Alex is basically always smiling so really it’s hard to tell. Kevin takes a deep breath, he never likes to be beaten in a joke and whether it is one or not there’s only one way he can think to win this round.

“Well that’s that boys,” Kevin says with a grin. He clasps both of their shoulders, lingering on the Russian’s just a touch longer.

“Daniil, we’ll catch up,” he says finally with a wink, before grabbing his phone and sauntering out of the hotel room.

Behind him he hears what sounds like Daniil snorting in laughter and Alex spluttering in indignation, so in other words, a job well done then.


	10. Antonio & Kevin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin makes Antonio's tinder bio. The other drivers finally get their revenge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter, hope you enjoy!

Kevin is pretty surprised when his phone pings to see a message from an unknown number, seeing as he doesn’t share his contact details very much. As he looks at the text however, it makes a lot more sense.

_Hey Kevin, it’s Gio. I hope you have my bio ready?_

_I can meet you at the Haas motor home if you want?_

It’s a bit suspicious that Gio has text him, especially since he must have got the number from another driver. Kevin can’t really say no however and texts a confirmation, asking the Italian to meet him at his drivers’ room.

Gio knocks reasonably soon after, almost as though he was waiting outside the Haas motor home and Kevin lets him in. The Italian looks pleased, possibly a bit too much so but Kevin hands him his phone with the bio.

_My hair might be getting shorter but other things are getting longer..._

_Italian Stallion._

_Alphas only at Alpha Romeo._

While Gio chuckles a bit at all the right places, he is mostly occupied by looking around the room gleefully and overall looks far too pleased with himself. There’s a sharp knock on Kevin’s room door and it looks like if it were possible, Gio’s smile would have grown even wider. Kevin glances at the door tentatively before deciding that like a plaster the best thing to do would be to just rip the door open. When it opens Kevin sees not one, not two but twenty drivers crammed in the hallway. Their expressions range from amused, to smug to bored as they all try, somehow successfully to cram themselves into the room. 

“Hey Kevin,” Nico says and ‘whoa,’ Kevin can’t help but think, having never had the full Hulkenberg charm aimed in his direction before. “This bio is for you,” the German continues, handing a phone to Kevin, who quickly starts reading.

_Danish racing driver and tattoo lover, 26._

_Loves having balls sucked._

_Swipe right for a good time._

__

 After having read the bio, Kevin’s nose furrows in his confusion. The bio isn’t anything too ridiculous and it doesn’t seem like all the driver’s would need to be here just for this.

 “Like thanks I guess but why isn’t this that bad?” Kevin asks, looking around everyone for a response. Some of the younger drivers look like they are practically biting their tongues to stop themselves from speaking but they manage to resist and it’s actually Kimi that gets to explain.

 “We made the account live. Most people knew it was fake but lots of fangirls responded to it anyway. A big group of them have exclusive paddock and Haas facilities access this weekend,” at that point Kimi has a smirk on his face that is practically evil. “Have fun.”

 At that point, Kevin’s face goes completely sheet white, horror written all over his face. Most of the drivers look amused or smug but a few actually look like they feel a bit sorry for him. Knowing fine well how awful a particularly obsessive fangirl can be.

 “How long do I have?” Kevin asks, looking pleadingly into the faces of the more guilty looking drivers.

 “They are due to arrive almost as soon as we leave mate,” Daniel says shrugging at him.

 At that, hope begins to build in Kevin’s chest, maybe just maybe, he will have time to escape as the rest of the driver’s are leaving. Perhaps he could even convince Valtteri to let him hide out at Mercedes. As the ideas begin to stream through the Dane’s head, Romain lets out a small cough to gain his attention, promptly crushing all Kevin’s hopes and dreams.

 “We have a meeting with Gunther straight after this,” the Frenchman says, looking pretty miserable at the prospect. 

 It’s at this point Kevin realises he is truly doomed, after all, missing a meeting with Gunther has fatal consequences. 

 “I’ll pray for you,” Lewis says cheerfully and at that point all the drivers rush from the room, all muttering things that sound like agreements, good lucks and farewells. 

 Once the room has emptied, Kevin takes a look at his watch to see if he has time for a quick cry before the meeting. He doesn’t.

 ‘Well shit.’

  _The end._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have made it this far then thank you for still reading!  
> Who wants to see an FE spin off and a few extra scenes with past drivers?

**Author's Note:**

> (pictures taken from the driver's social medias)  
> Hope you enjoyed!  
> Let me know who's bio should Kevin write next?


End file.
